Phil Bilbrough: Getting old in 3D

Getting old in 3D

By Phil Bilbrough

Five guys each beyond forty, with kids to prove it, meet to drink beer, eat pizza and talk football. That was the good part. But this cursed pizzeria has a beer/pizza/movie ticket deal. Buy beer and pizza and get a movie ticket. Why not? We were half we there. We all cruised, as only 40+ fatigued men can cruise to the local theatre and found Harry Potter or Transformers 3D and we went with Transformers: Dark side of the moon.

My first disconnect was me wondering whether the movie advertising were 3D or not. A Faber Castell coloured pencil colouring competition was being advertised without anything being coloured in – prestidigitation came to mind. It looked like it should be in 3D – pencils ninja-like flying past my head or something. What a piss-off when I found that my dorky glasses were on for no reason. As if I needed any help to look dorky.

The next ad was in 3D – advertising 3D movie technology.  The next ad was a Sony advertising internet connected 3D TV. I think that that was in 3D, I dunno. My first 3D movie experience since Nightmare on Elm Street 27 3D and it was completely underwhelming.

Transformers opened with a shot of an super attractive girl’s bottom walking upstairs. The bottom was attached to heroine called something, but played by Victoria’s Secret actress and new Burberry body Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. There may have been dramatic tension between the hero-geek with an unlikely hot girl friend but it was drawn out and blatant and ssslllloooowwww. The geek hero jumped around because he had a stoat up his ass and spoke frenetically (same reason) and was boring – so that really that takes some talent. This film reduced me to a game of spot the cameo; John Malkovich, Frances McDormand, John Turturro, and Buzz Aldrin and baddie, Patrick Dempsey. Voices of the Transformers included Hugo Weaving and Leonard Nimoy. There was also these strange cuts – like the director editor really decided to cut shots out of the film, “You didn’t CUT ENOUGH”

The film had some great gags and they almost kept me awake – and ALL of those that I can remember were delivered by John Turturro and his side kick called something and played by the fab Alan Tudyk.

There was too much stuff going on for me and 3D wasn’t adding much or enough to lift this ooze. I didn’t have the will to suspend my disbelief for this movie. So I went to sleep. Transformer Sentinel Prime says “Sleep!” Just beyond my drift off,  Rosie Huntington-Whiteley did something, which prompted my “mate” to nudge me and say something about our Rosie and his …. I dunno.

Yet I took a lot from this movie. That I am to old for Transformers. That aliens when they communicate between themselves, choose to do so in English. That the butter smell of pop corn makes me nauseous. That my friend has remembered all the words that we used for sexual intercourse.

That a Monday night beer/pizza/movie deal works a treat – just not for 40 pluses.

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Phil Bilbrough is a freelance online advertising specialist who is blogging on the subject for Scoop at Advertising.scoop.co.nz. He can be contacted at phil@bilbrough.com.

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